The secret life of me

I have been asked a few times about the name of my blog and Instagram account so I thought I would share with you all in a blog post how the secret life of me was born.

If you have been around a while you will know a bit of my story but I will give a quick summary to those who may be new here. After my second son was born in 2017 I developed pretty bad post natal depression and anxiety. I think I am what they call ‘high functioning depression’ which I basically think means I managed to function at what appeared to be a ‘normal’ level while I pretty much felt like I was dying inside most days. I washed, dressed, put make up on, took the kids to parties, made dinner all the while feeling broken.

When I finally got on the correct dose of antidepressants it came at the slight cost that it made the anxiety worse. I was then given Beta blockers that help with the physical symptoms of that. I was waiting for my course of CBT to start when I had the idea of creating an Instagram account as an outlet for my feelings. At that time very few people knew the reality of my life and I kept my posts fairly anonymous to begin with because I was probably ashamed of the situation. People saw me on a daily basis and I would give the impression that I had all my ducks in a row when in reality it was all a mess, my ducks were batshit crazy! I would be on the verge of a panic attack doing the school run, I could barely tolerate supermarket shopping. That is how I created the name the secret life of me. Because it was going to be the place that I shared my real life and not the version that I portrayed to people on a daily basis. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Later that year when the CBT started a lot of the work was around creating things for me to enjoy for myself rather than just going from task to task, chore to chore and then collapsing into bed at the end of the day. That is when I had the idea to start the blog. I was a bit nervous after writing my first post when I was publishing it but after that first time I have never looked back. I love blogging and I pretty much write one every week now. It’s so therapeutic! Plus it’s part of my self care. Something for me that I enjoy but also gives me a sense of achievement.

As time went on and my account grew I found other people. People just like me. Women, and men too, who were suffering with anxiety and depression. Amazing people with some amazing (and sometimes difficult) stories. I felt inspired and empowered. I felt less ashamed. And by now I was feeling really well in myself and confident enough to ‘come out’ so to speak. The amount of support I have had from people who know me in real life has been fantastic. I have also connected with some really wonderful instafriends who support me as much as those in my daily life.

Sometimes I think the name seems a bit strange to people now as if anything I over share now rather than keeping my life secret but I think it serves as a reminder. It is a reminder to me that I don’t need to hide in the shadows and that help and support can come from a myriad of places. It is a reminder to others that no matter what you are going through you don’t need to hide. There are others out here and we are here to support you. There is no need to suffer in silence. And finally it is a reminder to us all…don’t judge people. Be kind. You never know what battles people may be having on a daily basis. You have no idea what it may have taken for them to get themselves out of the front door. We all do better when we support each other.

Love and peace xx

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