Hello there. Hope you’re all having a great week. I was a bit torn whether I was going to write this up or not but I am here and I am writing with you my invisible therapists ready to read and listen.
So…I’ll just jump right in and say I’m going to talk about my weight. You see I thought on this because I feel a bit pressured to be ‘body positive’ and ‘happy within myself’ but the ugly truth is I Am Not. I do not like this body at the moment and I am not happy in my skin. I’m probably about a size 18/20 now. I’ve always been at biggest 14/16. I see lots of other plus size ladies who are beautiful, confident, and most importantly happy with what their mama gave them. I want to be one of them. I really do but I cant seem to get there.
I avoid buying clothes because it just makes my so upset that I don’t like the way I look in things. I used to be able to just throw anything on but now I have to try a million things to see what they look like. Mostly I get what hides the most lumps and bumps (I need Gok Wan!)I don’t really want to go out and socialise. I’m a bit of an introvert so happy at home anyway but I do like to meet with my friends but I always feel frumpy and have begun to hate having my picture taken and that was never me. I’ve always been such a bloody poser for the camera! And don’t even ask me about aherm…’romance’ I feel so yucky that I just don’t feel sexy at all.
So I have tried to do something about it. But it’s hard. It’s hard because I work 5 days a week. We do try to meal plan but with 4 kids and not all want exactly the same it’s a mission! It’s hard because I am bottom of my list of priorities so making time to exercise never gets put before all the other things that need to be done. By the time the kids are asleep around 9pm I’m just exhausted and want to vegetate and watch a bit of TV with the Mr. It’s hard because I want to click my fingers and feel good about my body again. I just want to get there fast. I have tried a commercial slimming group and have lost some weight but I seem to be stuck. I know it’s simple. Eat wisely. Move more. So why can’t I do it?It’s not just about the way I look either although hand on heart that is the biggest thing that bothers me. I’m unfit. I feel like I have less energy and I’m sluggish. My joints feel stiff and yes I’m sure in part that could be my age but a few extra stones on those joints can’t be helping. I have a massive issue with my shelf after my second C Section. In this heat the fold gets sweaty and itchy. It’s really unpleasant and a constant reminder of it being there.
I think what really bothered me this week is that I bumped into an Aunt. I haven’t seen her since I had Ezra so it’s been a couple of years. She didn’t recognise me. And when she actually did she said ‘God girl you’ve put on lots of weight’. I’ve been feeling worse about it since then. I know lots of people I tell me I look good but I want to feel it in myself. I want to feel good.
Starting from this week I’m going to TRY and get up earlier to take the dog for a walk. I’m crap at getting up in the mornings ok so this is going to be a challenge for me. I’m going to continue to try and eat wisely. I mean I’ve swapped my cider for gin so that’s a start hey?
I thought a lot on this before posting because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. My issue isn’t that I don’t want to be x,y or z size. I’m not being pressured by the media/social media to look a certain way. I’m not doing it for my partner. The real issue here is that I am not happy with my body right now. I don’t want my partner to look at or touch my body. I envy all those women who look amazing regardless of what the label says on their outfit. You could be a size 4 or a size 44 and not be happy. I am doing this for me. Because I want to be more healthy physically but I think it will also help me mentally too. And I feel that’s ok.
If you have any motivation or inspiration please send it my way…Love and peace xx